Memories

Ok, this is it.

I am thinking about the hairstyle i want to wear for christmas and new year.

Wierd, abi?

I keep seeing myself this christmas with an old school look. You know, the big afro hairstyle that reminds me of my mum - i have this passport (the only picture i have of her) where she had on an afro... i keep seeing myself wearing that style everytime i think of the forthcoming celebrations.

Of late, i have been thinking about her and its not even her memorial or anything....i just remember her and associate her to instances. To think i was so young when she died, i am baffled at the rate my thoughts dwell on her. I compare my friend's mothers to her everytime, i dont know if i am making sense, its just the way i feel.

Truth is, i am feeling miserable.
I feel so out of place, nowadays.
I keep thinking if she wasnt gone, i'll be a better person.
I guess i am just wishing she isnt out of my life.

I have so many things i want to ask her.
So many things i want to tell her.
So many things i want to take from her.
So many things i want to give her.

But she's no more.
Gone.
Out of this world.
She's where i can never connect to her.

I wish we could go to the market and shop together.
I wish i could tell her about blogsville and my naughty thoughts.
I wish i could post her picture here.
I just wish she's here.


Since i cant think of anything else, i am going to spend this season looking like her. I will sing her favourite songs, say quotes from her and make anecdotes. She's been gone for 13 years and 6 months and its still like yesterday...i can still remember the last time i saw her...what we talked about, word for word.

I hope during this yuletide, i can finally put her to rest in my mind.
I pray that i finally accept that she's gone and can only wish for me to live a fulfilling life.
I wish to be able to come back next year without pain in my heart.

I hurt, so terribly.